Moment of Truth

Over the weekend, the knocker-upper left his wallet at the Elks Club, where the final dinner for Saturday night’s tournament was held. My father took it and gave it to me so I could give it back to him. I opened it, and found a picture inside. It was of him, a girl (who’s prettier than me) and a young child. I looked at it for a second, then closed it. I wondered if there was ever a picture of me in that wallet. I am pretty sure there wasn’t. I have no right to be jealous and honestly, I’m not. Her having a kid alone is enough to waive all the jealousy I WOULD have! I’ve been over him and our relationship for a year now (give or take) but that doesn’t mean it can’t still hurt to know they’re over you. I now know what he felt like when I started going out with J. Ok, that’s not true because it’s not the same as he still harbored intense feelings for me at that time. I don’t feel that way towards him so I guess it’s purely selfish on my part. I mean, who doesn’t like getting compliments every day? Jason always told me I was beautiful whether I had just come from the gym, had bed head, or was headed out for a night on the town. J.’s not much of a compliment giver, although instead of cringing he does laugh at my insane bed head (I figure any guy who wakes up next to me in the morning and doesn’t walk away is a keeper). Does it hurt me that he doesn't say it? Of course it does! A woman needs to hear it every once in a while, whether it’s the truth or not. But 14 times a day? That gets old. I admit, I got spoiled by that with Jason (so I thought) but as time wore on it grew tiresome and annoying. I never thought I'd want the compliments to go away, but they need to and I'm glad the time has come. I’ve moved on and am happy with the choices I’ve made. J. is everything Jason isn’t, and I’ve realized that is what I needed in my life.

This all started with a conversation I overheard Jason having with a friend of ours on Saturday. We ended up bowling on the same lane (which is nice because he usually tells me which way to move when I’m doing really poorly) so we spent the entire day together. Anyway, I went to sit down after bowling and he’s talking to our friend about something and I keep hearing the word “upgrade.” It doesn’t take me long to realize he’s comparing me and the new girlfriend (he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed so the code wasn’t really working). I turned around and said “if you think I’m not going to realize you’re talking about me 1) you’re dumber than I thought and 2) you might as well resign yourself to the fact that you’re never going to upgrade from me. I was the best you’ll ever have and any other woman in your life should thank me for breaking you in.” He was dumbfounded and just walked away. I was dumbfounded and a little hurt that he was basically saying that right in front of me. I’ve never thrown my relationship with J. in his face, even avoided having J. come to the bowling alley so things wouldn’t be awkward and this is the thanks I get? I don’t think so! I could give a shit if you’ve got a new girlfriend, but don’t sit there and say that she’s better than me, especially right in front of my face. Well, at least he’ll have someone else around to play with his new baby (yeah… that’s not a regret I have). Anyway, it really got me to thinking about our relationship and how it hasn't been fair of me to let him go along with is as long as he has. Granted, there isn't much I could do about it. He was going to love me regardless (God knows why), but I definitely could have made it harder for him to do so. It's just really difficult to know you've been replaced as the goddess of someone's world. That pedestal is a really long way up and it's gonna feel pretty shitty when you're pushed off it, whether you love the person or not.

This post was so much better when I was putting it together in the shower. It was so much more eloquent and witty.