The Girl Who's an Idiot..

I can’t even begin to do justice to the first hour of the season premiere of America’s Next Top Model, so I’ll simply say that Tyra Banks and her motley crew of henchmen/women will never get old. I sincerely wish she would ditch that talk show of hers and film America’s Next Top Model 365 days a year. Her entrance into Model Boot Camp was priceless, even though she quoted movies some of these girls have probably never seen (I have a feeling Apocalypse Now and A Few Good Men aren’t high on Kathleen’s Netflix queue.) Anyway, the first hour is basically whittling 33 girls down to 13 (what is with the odd numbers this year?). It’s pretty obvious who’ll get through considering the air time some girls get as opposed to others, but I was pretty surprised they didn’t push Micheline through. Granted, the majority of her body is covered in tattoos, but she was a beautiful girl with a great body and I wish they’d kept her to see how that would fly in the fashion industry. Then again, since they cut her I guess that it doesn’t fly at all. Interesting…

So we’re down to the final 13: Sarah, Kathleen, Jael, Renee, Dionne, Diana, Whitney, Jaslene, Natasha, Brittany, Samantha, Felicia and Cassandra. I’ll try to give you a little something on each and how they fared in the first photo shoot, so here it goes:

Sarah - I love her hair and wish I could have it for myself (the cut, not the color). Anyway, Sarah comes off as a bit of a know-it-all but I kind of like her. She’s a photographer herself, but she bit the big one in the first shoot (then again, so did everyone else). She had to portray “life in prison” but she basically stood next to the cell with a vacant look in her eyes. NOT what Nigel and Jay were looking for. She’ll start some trouble and I have a feeling she’ll be around for a while, if only because in the promo they point out how badly she did. That usually means they’re messing with our heads and she’ll be around for a while.

Kathleen - the first girl booted off this year and thank the good lord. This girl is dumb as a box of rocks. She was supposed to be “anti-fur”, which is probably the easiest one you could have gotten, but she was asking the stylists what it meant. Nigel and Jay couldn’t help her at all and I almost died when Miss Jay basically told her she was a moron at panel. Course, if I said “fur is ok when the animal dies on its own” and “animals fight each other in the woods and the jungle, right?” Seriously, I thought Twiggy was going to ask her if she got dropped on her head as a young child. Granted, those are not direct quotes, but that is the gist of what she said. Anyway, she got booted and I can’t say I’ll miss her as she quite possibly had the most annoying voice in television history.

Jael - looks like a crackhead, but might come across pretty in pictures. She had to portray “pro-life” and was latched to the front door of an abortion clinic. Again, nothing in the eyes. She said it was because she was sick (Tyra don’t play that) but was hula hooping after the shoot. She won the challenge (putting together an outfit in three minutes at Goodwill) but didn’t want to point it out because she didn’t want the others to not like her. That attitude almost got her booted, but she lives to stick around another day. She’s interesting and I’m not sure how I feel about her yet.

Renee - backstabbing bitch of the house and I ADORE her. She’s from Hawaii and has a young son (who she brings up every five minutes) and cries like there’s no tomorrow. However, I love that she says what she means and doesn’t really give a shit who’s around to hear it. She had to portray an “anti-gun” hippie, but it didn’t connect. She looked pretty, but there was no feeling behind it. Actually, she looked scared shitless.

Dionne - Ok.. I don’t remember Dionne.. I remember her name, but that’s it. Oh wait.. she was the Vegan. Anyway, she didn’t do much for me. Her picture was pretty, but catalog pretty.

Diana - one of the plus sized models (oh yes.. there are two) and she’s screwed because she’s really not the pretty one. Tyra likes her proportions…. I wonder if Tyra would like my proportions… Anyway, she was supposed to be pro-gun and for some reason they dressed her up like a bike cop. Yep.. biker shorts are REAL flattering on bigger thighs. Anyway, I gave her credit for trying to jump and move during the picture, but she just didn’t put enough into it. I thought her picture was even worse than Kathleen’s but you get credit for effort on ANTM, so Diana stays.

Whitney - the other plus sized model. She was part of a picture for gay marriage where she (of course) got to wear the tux. She’s got a beautiful face, but she didn’t really put it or her body towards the camera so the picture isn’t that flattering for her. However, she has some personality and if she could figure out how to work it, I think she’ll stick around for a while.. Longer than Diana for sure.

Jaslene - here’s our fierce Latina. She wasn’t picked to be in the house last year and was determined to get in this year. The Panel keeps saying they don’t see the sexy latin fire that was in her last year, but she attempts to prove them wrong. She had the death penalty and she knocked it out of the park. She was dressed as an executioner and she got it completely right. The girl’s got a stomach to die for and she seems to be fun to be around. She could be in my top 5, especially if the first picture is any indication of things to come.

Natasha - I hated her from the get-go. Whether she admits it or not, the girl is a Russian mail-order bride: She married her 40 year old husband at 18 and he bought her to America. I didn’t think I’d need a translator for that one, but she seems to think it’s normal. Oh yeah.. and she’s conceited as all hell. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a pretty girl but pretty girls get ugly the minute they tell the world (in broken English) they will win because they’re pretty. Oh yeah.. she’s a brain surgeon too (note the sarcasm). Anyway, she had pro-choice and she basically did.. well.. nothing but look pretty. Yep.. it gets old. I hope they thin out her hair during makeovers. That might help.

Brittany - not conventionally pretty. She gives off a bit of a drag queen vibe, especially in her pro-fur picture, taken in a fashion show setting. However, she’s entertaining and it’s the ones that are a bit quirky that usually do well (Amanda and Michelle in Season 7 for example). I like that she doesn’t look like anyone else and she was one of the few that took a good first picture. She’s gonna have to watch that drag tendency though.

Samantha - she reminds me of Brooke from last year. Young, cute and not very interesting. She was the wedding dress wearing half of the gay marriage picture and while she had the same problem as Whitney (not facing the camera) she made it work for her. She could be a dark horse in the running if she makes the panel remember who she is.

Felicia - I don’t know what to say about her yet. I think she has a cute personality, but her picture was just too easy (pro-straight marriage). Nigel felt like she didn’t work it enough, but she got a really cute picture out of the deal.

Cassandra - I didn’t realize there were people in the world that are “Pro-meat” but that’s what she had to portray. Again, pretty easy if you’re not a vegetarian. I wish she had done a little bit more with the meat, but I guess it’s hard to concentrate when you’ve sewn your own weave into your head so you can flip your hair like Tyra. I shit you not.

Anyway, brand new episode on tonight where it looks like they model at a high school and someone has a wardrobe malfunction. If you don’t check it out, I’ll check it out for you!